The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
