Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
