i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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