I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
