Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
