I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
