JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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