I heard we made out
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
