I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
