what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
