is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
