omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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