i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
