I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize