If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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