I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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