I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
