you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
