It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I think I just sharted jello shots
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
