Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
