Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
