U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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