How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
two words: eviction party
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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