I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
