When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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