My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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