i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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