Your face is a jimmy john
Duck Duck Cougar?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize