this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
