I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
