Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We got so high we made milksteak
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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