well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
