I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
