dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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