Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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