I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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