i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
