Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
