Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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