so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
