Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize