The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
