Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
