Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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