Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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