Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize