Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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