Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
