Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize