I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
