Got a toothbrush?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
