sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
