and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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