he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
