Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
