We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
