Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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