quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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