What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
